May 23

A fitting way to start a new month is to take the next step, one foot in front of the other. Etc.  It matters not what regrets I am trying to put behind me, it doesn't matter the size of my son.  All I can do is take another step.  Take a step in clarity of thought.

Another month slipping into this year, and, sure, I am going to read numerous more books, maybe five, I am going to concentrate on drawing cards, and, well, lets make sure to eat three carrots or drink a large glass of water, before meals. 

All day I thought about my diet, I thought about simply eating less, or eating carrots instead of the high carb diet I seem to be drawn into.  All day I thought about it but I seemed, for much of the time, to be eating sugary treats while thinking about it. Ho Hum.

It is a funny old story, twisting and turning on a great arc only to get back to where it all began, circular, circulate, though perhaps with a little more clarity than the first time, and certainly without the desire to charge off into the affray in search of adventure, yes, adventure is done.

Long.  It must have been twenty minutes walking, thinking about the badness, thinking about all the things I need to say if I am going to change it, then thinking that it is not going to change, I am not going to change it, all I can do is make peace with it. And when it was time, when I was there it was suddenly easy.  I must remember how easy life can be, all I need to work out is how am I going to stop worrying.

Slightly tired, more than slightly, but the great thing about tired is it lowers expectations. The bad night lack of sleep made me decide all I need from today is successfully make it to the end of the day without complications, mishaps or missteps.

Discombobulation, disorientation, but sitting with a slightly louche demeanour awaiting the joy, joy to come while the moment is confusing.  This naked moment on the swing of misfortune pausing, weightless not knowing if I will fly forward or drift back.

There is an awkward imbalance, I think it would be so simple for the rule to be laid down: this is what we do, this is who we are; but I guess it is not quite that simple, and I am not in the position to say what can or cannot be done. It is just a little dull being seen as such a monster.

Wound, not like a spring, no, the rubber band has stretched its way into a groove, cutting of the vitality it has through the impertinent use of that vitality: its elasticity.  Wound tight, without movement or, perhaps, without potential.

Where did it go, there was something meaningful, something worth taking about tomorrow, something worth making a little note, perhaps the beginning of a missive, or an epistle.  But then the images flashed up on my phone and I opened the packet of biscuits and now I am fat and dull.

Truth, a strange and slippery thing. Sometimes it can be so bold, so that everyone agrees they can see, indeed know, the truth. Even though there have been all those times when at a later date everyone agrees in a different truth. But so often there are multiple truths, and no truth at all. What is this truth we strive for.

Truth, a strange and slippery thing. Sometimes it can be so bold, so that everyone agrees they can see, indeed know, the truth. Even though there have been all those times when at a later date everyone agrees in a different truth. But so often there are multiple truths, and no truth at all. What is this truth we strive for.

It is in the games we play, board games, that is.  The games which give us a moment to shower a little confetti, to compliment the other's game skills, or moves.  The little break to tell an anecdote.  And then there may just be a moment later where we remember having a laugh together. 

Up in space we have our little habits, here we we raise a glass, a rather nice red wine if you must know, pinotage from Stellenbosch to be precise, and the neighbour, or their neighbour, or someone else watching the same show in the tele, isn't it nice to sometimes be part of the crowd, bottoms up!

Dumn, du dumn, du dumn, there is a little shuffle and the day goes on, on and on, and there is a little enjoyment to be had in this lovely wander through another short paragraph that is devoid of meaning because, quite frankly, much of life is just a flat line of boredom.

Once again it is all getting a little slower, a little more, a little more and then we wait a little longer and what is it all about? I should not stress out about doing kind things for others, I should not worry about what impression I am giving, no more posing for the sake of posing. That is what I got from the subtle art of not giving a fuck.

They said the troubles, they said apartheid, they said it was different, and it was, there was always something that could go do very wrong, so very wrong in a now you are dead way.  And they were right to kill you, as everyone hates every one and vengeance was the expected. Always expected.

They said the troubles, they said apartheid, they said it was different, and it was, there was always something that could go do very wrong, so very wrong in a now you are dead way.  And they were right to kill you, as everyone hates every one and vengeance was the expected. Always expected.

They said the troubles, they said apartheid, they said it was different, and it was, there was always something that could go do very wrong, so very wrong in a now you are dead way.  And they were right to kill you, as everyone hates every one and vengeance was the expected. Always expected.

And he reaches for porn whatever is to hand, and what is at hand is the porn tubes, he reaches like you reach for a chocolate to comfort eat.  What he needs is to regulate his diet with quality porn not to binge of titties and brutality.  What he reeds is respectful porn made with care and consideration for the stars, and paid for, with good fantasies and realistic sex.

There are many times in which this modern life has taken to celebrating mediocrity, but not this time, my little one, this time the work, the long hours of work, targeted, focussed work is what has shown through in the final.  Your final.  Your glorious, you are glorious.

I suspect it is all really simple: all you got to do is keep.saying stuff and you will say the right thing. The thing is the more you say the more practice you have at saying stuff, and maybe it is a bit like that rule about how much you need to practice to be good at something. Keep talking.

And so, perhaps like the great many, I grew thinking I was the alpha male, the strong man, the decisive leader.  And I could present myself as the beta, working my way up, rung over rung on that corporate ladder until I found myself in the position of an alpha and I was indecisive and lost control.  It turns out I had always been a cross-dressing mother hen.  If only I had known earlier.

I sought the time to read today, but all I managed was a chapter in the morning and another in the evening.  It is not that I had a busy day, rather an unproductive day in which life was out of focus, and so the few things I was doing in my not busy day dragged

Let's get back to that painting: I was working from a list of words, themed words.  There were various lists, themed lists.  And for each word, and the synonyms for that word I looked for pictures that people had titled, tagged, listed, marked, etc., with that word or synonyms for that word.  It was a way of outsourcing the inspiration for the painting, so can I still claim the painting as mine?

There are so many ways to pass the time without anything to show for it when the time is passed.  Pass it this way or that,  sing a song, write a note, post a letter, buy some groceries, roast a chicken eat a bite or two, and a couple biscuits, and a slice of bread with the left over gravy, and watch the TV while writing  items in French.

List, listi Mac list list, come to mey darling littlemsrt of structural.form, sort out my day so I can stick to the plan, but if only it were simple to stick to a plan, if only it were simple as to know what to say.  I find it so hard to pin down my opinion, to find words that convey the feeling, usually it is easier to edit someone else's opinion to match my feeling, is this bad?

Just for a moment I was annoyed to be told I had not appreciated the true beauty of the situation, I had been distracted by the banal.  And for a moment I wanted to retort, no it was you who was disrespectful, you who could not keep your eyes off the cheap shiny things (cst) but i stopped myself as arguing is pointless, I don't win.  And later I did not care, it did not matter.

 

Fun begets fun, we spend a little time preparing for the fun and the other folk who came there, though they were a strangers to me, though they didn't say any words to me, they hav fun and I could watch them have fun and so it was that I had more fun. 

In these calmer waters, we can relax, enjoy the ride.  But when I look over the side I wonder at the depth, at the darkness down below, the unknown.  So much is unknown.  Will it be the wild rocketing from the water destroying the peace and everything. 

My name is Jules. I have been reading a book in which every chapter began with my name is... And I realised it would be a brilliant way to mark all these daily notes.  But it is too late, I already have a lot of notes and editing them would lose their authenticity. Ho Hum.

Tick tick tick, when I was driving the car I couldn't make out the fuel guage, I figured it was on one but I wasn't sure.  Fuzzy eyes is not the only thing, a lot of the day I want to go lie down, to rest for a moment.  Just rest.

So I had been thinking about it all day and when I finished sorting needed being done I got round to making the bog splash in the window, and it was just ten minutes later that the person featured in the splash passed by.  Serendipity, maybe, or just a nice coincidence.

Wobbling, perhaps even stumbling into this new year, without much of a plan other than an idea of trudging along hoping the bad is bottoming out and the good still has a fair way to climb.  It is a balance, not so?  It is always a balancing trick.

Ho Hum
All day I thought about my diet, I thought about simply eating less, or eating carrots...

A Lonely Voice
It is a funny old story, twisting and turning on a great arc only to get back to where it...

Surprisingly easy
Long.  It must have been twenty minutes walking, thinking about the badness,...

So tired
Slightly tired, more than slightly, but the great thing about tired is it lowers...

The drift
Discombobulation, disorientation, but sitting with a slightly louche demeanour awaiting...

Monster
There is an awkward imbalance, I think it would be so simple for the rule to be laid...

Without, just without
Wound, not like a spring, no, the rubber band has stretched its way into a groove,...

Fat and dull
Where did it go, there was something meaningful, something worth taking about tomorrow,...

Striving for truth
Truth, a strange and slippery thing. Sometimes it can be so bold, so that everyone...

Another game
It is in the games we play, board games, that is.  The games which give us a moment...

Bottoms up
Up in space we have our little habits, here we we raise a glass, a rather nice red wine...

Flat line
Dumn, du dumn, du dumn, there is a little shuffle and the day goes on, on and on, and...

Subtle art
Once again it is all getting a little slower, a little more, a little more and then we...

Always expected
They said the troubles, they said apartheid, they said it was different, and it was,...

Glorious
There are many times in which this modern life has taken to celebrating mediocrity, but...

Porn dad
And he reaches for porn whatever is to hand, and what is at hand is the porn tubes, he...

Keep talking
I suspect it is all really simple: all you got to do is keep.saying stuff and you will...

Cross-dressing mother hen
And so, perhaps like the great many, I grew thinking I was the alpha male, the strong...

Dragging
I sought the time to read today, but all I managed was a chapter in the morning and...

But is it mine?
Let's get back to that painting: I was working from a list of words, themed...

Dot dot
There are so many ways to pass the time without anything to show for it when the time is...

Edit list
List, listi Mac list list, come to mey darling littlemsrt of structural.form, sort out my...

Fun begets fun
Fun begets fun, we spend a little time preparing for the fun and the other folk who came...

Cheap Shiny Things
Just for a moment I was annoyed to be told I had not appreciated the true beauty of the...

Darker waters
In these calmer waters, we can relax, enjoy the ride.  But when I look over the side...

My name is
My name is Jules. I have been reading a book in which every chapter began with my name...

Just rest
Tick tick tick, when I was driving the car I couldn't make out the fuel guage, I...

Serendipity
So I had been thinking about it all day and when I finished sorting needed being done I...

June 23
There seems to be an inertia settling over my days, like a dust that for some reason is...