April 23

Another month slipping into this year, and, sure, I am going to read numerous more books, maybe five, I am going to concentrate on drawing cards, and, well, lets make sure to eat three carrots or drink a large glass of water, before meals.

This month I will have to read even more novels than I did last month if I am to finish my list. Oh what a lovely list. I am giving up sugar again this month, I think it gives me more energy to avoid sugar. And at the end of the night I am just going to sleep without any treats.

A thing to be appreciated is witty dialogue that appears to be light and frivolous but, on reflection, both as the performance continues, and afterwards in conversation and quiet moments, is indeed incisive both in the moment and in life.

IRL, I am not sure I do anything much either in or out of real life. Once you have stripped away the chores, and the meanial tasks that are just what they are (rather than adding to a bigger thing that would ideally be mine but I can be a team player too) then there is little to see other than enjoying a tale and some sporting prowess.

Eggs, sorry, I mean egg shells, like treading on eggshells. What a silly saying, eggshells have little value so what if you crush them, and they are not noisy, and they are not going to hurt your feet, so why not tread on eggshells. But as the saying goes it was awkward today.

Set those plans, make them bright and bold and then maybe, if you're lucky, you will forget those lingering doubts nagging that the other way would have been better, oh doubter, don't ruin your prospects with your nature, overcome your nature and be happy.

I guess the first thing about making a change is deciding to make a change. But that is the crux of the matter, and, I guess, why so many wander along not getting what they want, I am not sure about the balance of what I might gain against what I might lose. Best to just withdraw, quietly, for a bit.

I guess it would be silly to write a note about not being able to make a decision without following it up with a note about how no longer know my mind. Thing is the quickest way to find my mind is through formulating the words to describe it, but to do this I need to be surrounded by safe people whom I trust will not mock or turn away when I say, sincerely, things I realise a few minutes later I don't really feel. I am not sure there was anyone whom I have feel that free with, except for that bottle of drink, bit now I am older the cocktails are fewer and the chances are less. Oh where is my mind.

In Damascus there was a war, and the Damascus Station gave a reasonable, readable story of standard spy fare that fitted with the facts I knew, or think I know, about Syria. Nothing more. And the problem with a thriller is they insist on telling you everything, I would rather know nothing at all.

And so the day is filled with small tasks making a minor difference, this is, of course, the nature of life. It is only in stories and storytelling that events of a significant nature happen in an orderly, or perhaps disorderly fashion, for both could be entertaining if the tale is clever enough. But even storytelling has rules that cannot be broken, and details.that take time to fulfil.

There are so many good books published every year, there are so many g9d stories to read. Some of them might appeal a little more, they might win awards, or be picked up for films, but most will just have a few fans, or a few folk inte4sted in them before they are forgotten. There are so many good stories I have forgotten.

But now I seem to be dead already, perhaps I have a couple score remaining but this is just a point of waiting. Mostly it is down to my self censorship. I wonder if self censoring is the major trouble of life. Grasp it by the hands. Grasp it.

When I was younger, young, even, I would get worked up by these little things, blow up, force a resolution. But each little explosion costs and with each little payment I waited a moment longer, putting off the fireworks for another minute. And those minutes were accumulative, now look where I am.

So it is not about finding those clever, clever words that communicate an idea, a core belief, a reason to live. It is more about splattering out words, phrases, and occasionally something sticks. Maybe the guru is the person who talks the most, and loudest too, probably.

Fixing the problem can be quite tricky and take a lot of time and repetition (always the repetition). But talking about fixing the problem, not a general talk but a detailed one discussing solutions and their pros and cons, such a conversation can give the feeling of doing the work.

Without a reason, just for the hell of it. Maybe I should find that hard rain, or was it heavy rain, and just get lost in nothing. Do nothing. Maybe I should write about doing nothing. Maybe I should first do nothing. It is about remaining in that space of happibliss, not the bad shit.

Swish swosh, there was a time I struggled to fall asleep. For weeks I found something else to do rather than sleep. Now I rush to my bed for my dreams are pleasurable. Filled with the flushes of joy, the rushes of laughter and light. Why would you not want to sleep when you could dream?

Then there was a hard times, they are telling us again on the radio that this is a hard times. This is not as hard a times as five years ago was. Or maybe ten, not five. But now I am thinking about it there have been quite a lot of hard times, perhaps the trick is to not think about it too much.

So this is something that happens. I have an idea, and at that point there is nothing more exciting than the idea, I can take my time and aim for the idea, I can rush home and start the idea. Then I am doing it and at some point I lose the joy of the idea. I lose it suddenly and irrevocably. And for a while I can drag myself on with the protestant work ethic but without the joy of the idea. And then I stop.

There is a story I wrote a few years back. Full length. It has quirky details of a near future London, that are not far off now, but I am not sure it has really understood the characters, and while the plot is acceptable I am not sure why I would read it, but I will.

Concentrate, to concentrate you must close your eyes and listen to your breath, in, out, in, out. Slowly, slow down your breathing and listen to your breath, in, out, in, out. Now bring your focus to the centre of your thoughts, only the centre. And answer me this question: what the fuck are you going to concentrate on?

So thinking about it, I am sure I have noted it before but I cannot expect other people to make it better. Now this shit has sunk to the depth it is either I must make my way out of the cesspit or I must learn to be content with living here. On both sides.

There will be a time when I wake in the morning with the openness to embrace the new day with a morning list, well, a moment on which I decide what is going to be my priority for the day, which chores will I do first and what accomplishment will I aim for.

The edge of violence excites young men before they understand other forms of relaxation. They write songs about the young men, but one day they will be parents of young men and then no one will listen to their old songs.

After many guesses at what a bodega means to the folk of NY brought about by references in books, and on TV shows, particularly cooking shows, I decided to look it up. Ten seconds later it was confirmed my guesses were right.

Closer, but still a forgetful slip of the imagination leaves me no more settled in my hopes. And this is all.about posturing, showing and forcing my way as the way. But my way is only my way, nothing more, nothing better than another way. And why should I care if it is not harming me. We can't control what people think of us. All I can do is be my best me.

Allegiance, what is this weird thing? I don't use the pronoun we when it comes to any sporting club or nation but there are certain contests in which I hold a preference. Sometimes it is an historical reason I cannot quite recall, sometimes it is a player, or a style, or a moment of unbelievable skill. But tomorrow I won't even know if my favourite has played. Again.

What is it I want? Is it that impossible thing I believed was my birthright, that significant insight, that leading role, that star place. I remember when I was once given the captaincy of the team but was so ineffectual even the coach forgot he had named me. Tell me a tale.

Wobbling, perhaps even stumbling into this new year, without much of a plan other than an idea of trudging along hoping the bad is bottoming out and the good still has a fair way to climb. It is a balance, not so? It is always a balancing trick.

Rye Lane
A thing to be appreciated is witty dialogue that appears to be light and frivolous but,...

Is this real enough
IRL, I am not sure I do anything much either in or out of real life. Once you have...

Eggshell Pale
Eggs, sorry, I mean egg shells, like treading on eggshells. What a silly saying,...

Oh doubter
Set those plans, make them bright and bold and then maybe, if you're lucky, you will...

For a bit
I guess the first thing about making a change is deciding to make a change. But...

Where is my mind
I guess it would be silly to write a note about not being able to make a decision without...

Not much more
In Damascus there was a war, and the Damascus Station gave a reasonable, readable story...

Clever enough
And so the day is filled with small tasks making a minor difference, this is, of course,...

Forgotten
There are so many good books published every year, there are so many g9d stories to...

Grasp it
But now I seem to be dead already, perhaps I have a couple score remaining but this is...

Alone
When I was younger, young, even, I would get worked up by these little things, blow up,...

Loudest
So it is not about finding those clever, clever words that communicate an idea, a core...