January 23

So, the time of generating resolutions is here, this arbitrary point when a digit changes in a number. But here is my idea, resolutions are for every day not just new years day. Today I resolve not to eat sugar this month, and not to stay up late to watch sport. Enjoy it all.

Perhaps a good thing to occupy this year would be a search for meaning. Perhaps a good number of these evening notes could be dedicated to meaningful searches for meaning, know what I mean. Perhaps the starting point could be the statement of what do I find most meaningful: is it this biological machine or the mind.

Twenty two is in the last run, all that rains is festivity and party, present and feasts, cracker and jokes that may not be particularly funny but at which we will all laug by, or perhaps groan.

Perhaps meaning can be found in feeling good, hedonism is such an appealing ideology. I feel good when I win, when I wine (in moderation) when I am entertained, or when someone shows me a clever thing or turn of phrase, I feel good when you flirt with me, so perhaps I should flirt with you first.

To figure out the meaning of it all we need to understand the negative, need to work out why there are situations and people who cause my downward spiral like a WWII plane crashing. Is it just anxiety about the expected loss of the oh so fragile emotional paper fortress I think I may lose?

One of the most important things is to write, is to turn the idea into a narrative that is filled with interesring observations and quirky characters that will entertain and enthrall and in the narrative there just may be a message, if the writing is a success. If

Getting the words spoken was so hard, so very hard, I thought I would not be able to say them, I thought I would be met with scorn, i felt the adrenaline trickle then flow, I knew my hands would start shaking, and still I spoke. I didn't say it as best I could but it was said. Now I suspect it will make no difference, who knows

Distinctly mediocre, what is this tedium, this lack of ability to take on the story and fly, baby, fly. This struggle for words and the constant seeking distraction. This is not the spirit of the blitz. Thank fuck the country did not rely on me.

Here is an idea, young bull elephants wander about in herds, one day the will move onto a family but not yet. How about a story of young bull elephantinies, part elephant part young man, big ears, flat round feet, a trunk to their waist and a dingle that dangles to the floor.

I think, sadly, my dear little collection of notes, that you are not as satisfying an audience for the anecdote I worked out at work today as you, my dear little collection of notes, view all my anecdotes with pleasure no matter how exciting or well prepared they are.

The finest thing about armchair sports is when the favourites win. I favour the highlights which don't give a feel of the game or an insight into how the true fans who went out in the rain and bought their ticket but do give those wow moments. This is the nature of sport in the age of YouTube.

The lying life of adults is a fine story, pieces wrapped up and balanced, but is the kind of story I am happy to finish, I am happy for her to come to the end of her days of confusing teenageness, come to her being her, and then I will happily wish her a fine life. I wonder if the is will happen.

A story is in the telling, the facts lend themselves to a particular interest but the story is in the telling. The story of the boys in that home was told so well, it did not rely on the terror of the horror, though the horror was there, it told the story well.

There is beauty, there is life to be lived, there is just a certain amount of time, then it is time to stop. Every day there must be a beauty to be found that will take us through the day. Through the week, and life, in and out of this love, my little cock

What a load of malarkey, a requited unrequited love story in which the upper class slams its door on the intruder from the lower tier, but so what? Is this upper class the life we should be aspiring towards. I am not sure it is the thing of fantasy, I think it is quite crass.

Quietly, quietly, and there is day that slips away, quietly. Then at the end a few moments enjoying a rather excellent book, a good read, the type I should review here, perhaps, and online too. We àlways need to have more people reading a book with such fine writing.

Quick, just a few moments rushing through and then we didn't relax and enjoy it, no conversation, no idea sharing, but maybe it wasn't the right place, maybe it was about thinking that is what is coming and this is what we are getting. Disappointed by misunderstood expectations.

Getting things done, doing it, being on top. The problem is I find as time goes by I seem to be thinking a lot about the things that I would like to do, or the things that I am going to do but not actually doing the things. Maybe it has always been that way just now the time is running out, and there is only one ending to the story.

It is nice to be able to look at the thing, even if the thing is something as small as a scraping the wallpaper off the wall, and say look at the thing I did. I did, a sign of my achievement. A tiny little point of note that may one day add up to a whole hill of beans, or perhaps not.

Well, well, I have sold quire a few drawings this week, enough to make me think I am pricing them too low. But there have been weeks when I have thought: prices must be too high as they are not selling. But when they sell it feels good.

On the one hand I am using this wonderful hand held device to make these notes for future me, cryptic little diary entries where I attempt to capture the feeling without the facts, and often fail. On the other hand it is a device of instant gratification that sucks away minutes, then hours, then days.

I have watched All's Quiet on the Western Front and it is overwhelmingly draining to think we are so savage as to be able to make such a thing, such a war. There is nothing but grim dread to be had, and the survivers never quite fit in the herd when they get back, if they get back.

I flicked through an illustrated book and thought, yes, it would be fine to have illustrations in stories for adults, but the illustrations should come with instructions: don't look at this drawing and think: cock and balls, flick on. Rather meditate on this picture, the texture, the line, the shapes, the form. Enjoy this picture before reading on.

So, my image can be retweeted, or forwarded in a story, it can be put in a search engine, etc. Is this because I agreed to in the terms or is it a vague unwritten yet strong understanding that I will benefit from your highlighting my image, or, at least, is that the hope. Do I throw my images out for general consumption in a hope of vicarious fame?

And there it is, a full day's work an I have half a dozen doodles that just might make it as part of a story one day. Not today, sure it is out there but it needa a little bit of polish, and some work on colouring. Next step.

Wobbling, perhaps even stumbling into this new year, without much of a plan other than an idea of trudging along hoping the bad is bottoming out and the good still has a fair way to climb. It is a balance, not so? It is always a balancing trick.

Meaningful meaning
Perhaps a good thing to occupy this year would be a search for meaning. Perhaps a...

First flirt
Perhaps meaning can be found in feeling good, hedonism is such an appealing...

Emotional fortress
To figure out the meaning of it all we need to understand the negative, need to work out...

This narrative
One of the most important things is to write, is to turn the idea into a narrative that...

No difference
Getting the words spoken was so hard, so very hard, I thought I would not be able to say...

Spirit of Mediocrity
Distinctly mediocre, what is this tedium, this lack of ability to take on the story and...

Elephantinies.
Here is an idea, young bull elephants wander about in herds, one day the will move onto a...

Undiscerning Audience
I think, sadly, my dear little collection of notes, that you are not as satisfying an...

YouTube Sport
The finest thing about armchair sports is when the favourites win. I favour the...

Lying life
The lying life of adults is a fine story, pieces wrapped up and balanced, but is the kind...

Well told
A story is in the telling, the facts lend themselves to a particular interest but the...

A momentary beauty
There is beauty, there is life to be lived, there is just a certain amount of time, then...