March 24

March is here today and today is the first step in my march towards a more Zen life. I shall try to meditate daily on a positive, proactive step towards happiness and a happier me. Spring is the time for blossoms and new growth and so shall it be for myself too. I accept I may embrace the pithy, but so be it.

A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush. A bush in a bird is worth two in the hand. Birds, bushes and hands, oh dear. I think it is not so important to have a bird in hand as when the bird is in hand there is no aspiration to capture a new bird, to achieve more. So what I want is a bird in the hand, and two in the bush for me to chase after eating the bird in the hand.

Try and try again, this pithy comment came to mind on reflection of a day in which I didn't seem to succeed at much, neither on a good start to a motivational month or on the daily tasks. I guess trying and trying again is what is needed but perhaps keep trying would be better for me. I should keep working in a positive way always ready to embrace positive opportunities rather than, as tryand trying implies, banging my head against the wall of the problem in a blunt approach.

A twitch and a stretch and a sharp pain in the middle of my back. I tried to carry on but found I could not, I needed to bend and lie and wait for the pain to go. It went, but when I tried to get on with my day, and twice when I was relaxing, like the bad penny it kept turning up, it was back. That pain in the back.

Oh my idle hands, were that the devil would come to give them a task, some light work that is bound to be evil. But I hope the work the devil brings me is devious and underhanded and not angry. It is so simple to be angry, there is nothing complex about it, just a base animal aggression towards some dim-witted idea. Or maybe the devil not longer watches and these idle hands are simply waiting for aspiration, at which point they will whirr like a whirlybird.

What is it you call home, is it this house? Perhaps that pithy misery about a house not being a home has a good heart in wanting us to think about the people in your family who make you feel at home, that they are your home bit the house, really, as an investment by everyone little by little, it is the nature of a social creature to make the house a home. And to be honest, I go many days forgetting that this house is not my home, but as I have no other it will have to do.

Like yesterday's curry... But seriously, I was mildly amused when reading those words for this week has been quite amazing. It featured the repetition of one of my favourite events, so there was history repeating itself. But this time it had been added to, creating something better than last time, not hugely better as it had many of the same experiences, but better by the things we had learned. This is to be balanced by the stress of the responsibility of doing something new and different, but that is another note.

Nothing gained! Oh, the fools who think that all to be gained must be done from adventure. The fools who don't take a moment to reflect, to meditate. And if you can do neither then, even then, you will find the there is much to be learned from a book, be if the great works of the past or a different discourse do not result in gain, then I am at a loss

I am sure that everyone with this modern condition of back pain wonder what the straw was, what was the point at which they should have stopped to save them all this back pain. What was the brace they should have taken and will it all be over by the time I need to go to work on Monday because there is no one out there who can do all these things that I do. But let's just rest and see if this broken back heals itself.

I guess we all have skeletons when we have lived together for so long, through teething starters all the way to troublesome teens. And sometimes there are good conversations at the end, conversations backed by good intention, and other times there is anger and frustration and unspoken disappointment. I got a message the other day which made me think, you don't know me at all, do you.

Sometimes I feel like that blind horse. I feel that they, those folk with their understanding of the strange phrases they talk to each other in, unusual words, bizarre combinations, but, to be honest, as the blind horse I don't know they are saying anything let alone double speak. As a blind horse I don't even hear the sound of either the nod or the wink. It all passes me by.

Is the saying a statement of fact or an admonishment for looking to the other side? Looking and noticing how the other couple is laughing, and smiling understanding while here it is an effort to think of an interesting thing to say. I didn't say much today, I made no one laugh, or smile. I made an observation about a television programme but not the clever thought I had, about the greener grass. It is dull feeling I am stuck here, this side, and the only reason I cannot have the greener grass mist be because I don't deserve it. I have not done enough, not been clever or persistent enough to be allowed to the other side.

All things end, not just good things, but they seldom end in a full stop. Laughter doesn't end when you stop laughing at the joke, you still think about the joke later and smile, or maybe even make it your own and tell it to a friend. But at some point in the future I may ask: do you remember that joke, and you will say, oh, I haven't thought about that joke for years. And that is the point you realise you have passed the ending, you passed it some time ago. All things end, but, unlike life, when telling the story of life we choose when that ending is going to happen, and usually we choose the happy ending as that is the nice ending to look back on. But any ending will do.

It is just wrong, both about books and as a metaphor. Of course a book should be judged by its cover, why on earth do publishers employ artists to make covers to attract the right person to pick up the book in the bookshop. And of course we should just a person by first impression. And we should accept others will judge us by first impression. So don't pontificate and made a good impression, like tik tom.

I don't know if the company is bad. Is bad the company that does not encourage me to be the best me I can be. But all of us are bad sometimes, all are unkind, or selfish. Just sometimes it gets to me, sometimes I feel a little sad and it seems like such a hard thing to get back to normal. And sometimes I don't want to be alone in getting myself up again but I think that if I cannot show a happy me then it will just stay wrong.

So shall I reap, but it is not that straightforward. Sometimes the ground is clay-like, or stoney, or sandy. Sometimes the sun is not right, or the shade too shady. Sometimes the weeds are too vigorous, after all no one, by definition, plants weeds. Sometimes the seed is old or the tools are weak. Sometimes the farmer has the enthusiasm but not the knowledge. I guess this is just a list of excuses for my misery at what I am reaping.

This could be a nude figure with patterns and other words, or perhaps it is a tired man with a continuous feeling that he doesn't belong. But he only has this continuous feeling because of that near pathological desire to be wanted. Needing to please. He thinks perhaps this is something to do with his childhood - while he excelled in some areas, he was socially awkward. He was not really able to work out how to fit in, which, perhaps, stirred up with the praise he received from adults cause this mania.

I know it is a metaphor, but I seem to be only eating bread these days. Cheese sandwiches, peanut butter sandwiches, hummus, salad, hot cross bun, panini. I am a bit bored of these foods, I would like something different, something more exciting but what can I do, beans isn't the best.

There is only one thing to put off for tomorrow: anger. And if I could always put it off then, perhaps, I would be a little more calm. The thing that makes me the most angry is not being appreciated, being taken for granted. Being disregarded, discarded and left behind with little more than a turn of the head. Goodbye, and goodbye anger.

Ink drawing of images from the news or

Out of sight, there is so much more that it out of sight now, and, with a little comfort we find in our luxury lifestyle, it is easy to keep them out of mind. Yet the point remains, is it fair for me to lie in my obese excess, flooding my every desire with instant pornographic solutions whatever the peccadillo, or distraction, while they are walking towards hope or disaster. Does it become okay when the odds are overwhelmingly against me?

So, yeah, it is not that she procrastinated today, not much really. She started the day well, with a fine list of things to do, numbered from most important to least. She set about the work, and kept working untill the final minute ticked by, but. Between each task sheput off starting the next task for a moment of checking her phone here, or a little browse on the computer there. Tiny but frequent procrastinations were indeed the thief of the time today. Tomorrow no putting things off.

Make no mistakes when you say nothing, though that is not strictly true, but there we are. Today's strategy has been to say nothing. To express nothing that may offend, that may cause disquiet. Say nothing when it feels unfair, say nothing when I felt frustrated. The trick to saying nothing is to find a way to relax and get the emotions away. To read a good book, or watch a show. Many ways, but the problem is they are all time alone, time not building positive relations. My say nothing may bite me later.

This gift horse turned into a burden, hard work caring endlessly for this poor horse, no, perhaps on this occasion it would have been suitable to look this gift horse in the mouth, perhaps it would have been wise to read the signs, to work out just what was being accepted in this gift if a horse, and then, it would follow, there would be knowledge of disasters to come.

A male nude figure or, perhaps, better alone than in bad company, which sounds terribly sensible but for the problem that many of our company we don't choose as the choice has been made by someone else, perhaps an employer. Or many of our company was chosen a long time ago and people change. And what about family and duty, they are stuck in the mix, and what if they turned out to be bad people. And being alone can be dreadful too.

Sometimes it is quite difficult to puzzle it out, to puzzle out other people's motivations, that it. And that is the thing I am struggling with not knowing today. I can throw in a number of theories: start off with an assuption, put that assumption into the scenario machine I have been making in my spare time and see if the behaviour spat out by the scenario machine fits the behaviour I observed. But the problem is I fed in a number of assumptions and more than one spat out the behaviour I observed. But one of the assuptions would cause me harm, which the other wouldn't. And I do not believe that not knowing which assumption is corect is any way of protecting me against the harm. It is a stupid pithy saying, and the opposite of forewarned.

But today it didn't feel golden. It didn't feel like it was something I should want because I really wasn't enjoying the silence. Mostly because the silence was not just at the table the silence was also in my head. I had forgotten what it was that I should be thinking about that would lead to conversation, and a little bit of a laugh, maybe.

Images from the news collaged together; or... If only we were able to tell the truth in the exciting was as a good piece of fiction unfolds. If only we were storytellers in training, encouraged round the campfire of youth to tell our days in interesting ways, rather than encouraged into competition. Of course, some would be better at telling the tale. And some would not have much aptitude, but perhaps they still could be appreciated.

The safety of being in the herd is a safety of the herd, not the safety of the individual. But I guess the safety in the numbers is really about mental health, because we aren't really as cruel as those evil public school boys trope, such cruelty is taught, natural competition is not vile, though the lesson is not always taught consciously. Today I am numb as I do not feel part of my herd.

Yes, well, we all know whonfoetune favours, and it is not I. Today much of my day was occupied with my working out what I would like to say. First thinking of the words then getting stuck wondering if they are the right words, then panicking and thinking it is all going to end up wrong, so wrong, they are going to call me out and say I am shit and should just fuck right off. Then I was not brave and said nothing. And was ignored by fortune again.

Oh, stupid monkey getting caught by a slow hand. You should be caught by a clever mind, or perhaps something swift and brutal like a leopard. Today I have been at the slowly slowly, but there definitely isn't a monkey in my bag. There is nothing in my bag but for a bit of missing potential. Perhaps if this slowly slowly continues I may figure out a way to capture a monkey, k still have hope though no technique.

Nude male figure with a leaf pattern, or...

Peter placed a stool at the end of the coffee table in the sitting area. He laid a yoga mat over the table onto the stool. He laid a plain white table cloth over both. Naomi came up the stairs. He showed her where to lie. He started placing sushi on her body. He used his fingers.

You have to breathe slowly. It is going to be a long time lying still. Diane will be here in ten minutes so I have to start now. I have done it before. It is much harder than you think. (Peter)

He had placed a quarter of the sushi when the front door opened. Clipped steps on the stairs. Peter did not stop laying out the food. Diane stood for a moment at the top of the stairs.

Peter. (Diane)

Hi Diane. (Peter)

Welcome Naomi. (Diane)

She has no English. (Peter)

Sure. Yes. Can she be the other way round. I want John to see her cunt when he walks in not the top of her head. (Diane)

Of course. I should have thought of that. (Peter)

Diane walked up the stairs to her room. Peter quickly started to remove the sushi using the chopsticks. He placed them back on the plate. Naomi looked confused but Peter did not say anything to her. When all the sushi was removed Naomi stood. Peter moved the stool to the far side of the table. He pulled the yoga mat and the tablecloth down. Smoothed it.

Please lie down this way. (Peter)

Naomi followed his gesture and lay down again. Peter started replacing the sushi on her body. He was nearly finished when Diane came down again wearing a flowing evening silk dress. Her make up was removed.

Will she be okay tonight. The guests are nearly here. (Diane)

Yes. She used to be in catering. Before. (Peter)

Good. The food looks delicious. Thank you Peter. (Diane)

She sat on the sofa opposite Peter. She reached over Naomi and took a sushi from the serving tray. Naomi closed her eyes. Peter set down the sushi tray. He stood. He fetched a bottle of champagne from the fridge. He opened it. Naomi started slightly. She did not upset the food. Peter poured champagne into the glass in front of Diane. She sat back and sipped. She looked at Naomi from head to toes. She looked pleased. Or maybe indifferent. Peter continued to place sushi on Naomi. The pattern followed the contours of her small breasts. It radiated from her belly button.

She will do will she. Peter. (Diane)

She has been very helpful today. She has been keen to fit in. She is beautiful. I will train her properly. Just like you like. (Peter)

Good. (Diane)

Peter placed the remaining sushi on Naomi's thighs and stood to survey his work.

Just. John can be a bit particular sometimes. (Diane)

She will be fine. (Peter)

The doorbell rang.

Before you get that can you dress. I want only Naomi naked tonight. (Diane)

Peter slipped on his kimono before answering the door.

A male nude partially frames, or ... Well, the system makes be broke, the taxes are a joke, the way things work out are good enough but they could be better. So much could be better. Fewer people falling between the cracks. Folk being happier. Happier. Isn't society at a the point when we can start working on making life good. Or are we starting to spiral with overpopulation and climate change leading to the bad shit.

Bird bush hand
A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush. A bush in a bird is worth two in the...

If at first
Try and try again, this pithy comment came to mind on reflection of a day in which I...

Like a bad penny
A twitch and a stretch and a sharp pain in the middle of my back. I tried to carry...

The Devil Makes Work
Oh my idle hands, were that the devil would come to give them a task, some light work...

The home house
What is it you call home, is it this house? Perhaps that pithy misery about a house...

History repeats itself
Like yesterday's curry... But seriously, I was mildly amused when reading those...

Nothing ventured
Nothing gained! Oh, the fools who think that all to be gained must be done from...

Backbreaking straws
I am sure that everyone with this modern condition of back pain wonder what the straw...

Family skeletons
I guess we all have skeletons when we have lived together for so long, through teething...

A nod is as good as a wink
Sometimes I feel like that blind horse. I feel that they, those folk with their...

The greener grass
Is the saying a statement of fact or an admonishment for looking to the other side? ...

All good things
All things end, not just good things, but they seldom end in a full stop. Laughter...