March 23

This month I will have to read even more novels than I did last month if I am to finish my list. Oh what a lovely list. I am giving up sugar again this month, I think it gives me more energy to avoid sugar. And at the end of the night I am just going to sleep without any treats.

When asked if I am depressed I have to think am I depressed, shall I let this wave of sadness flow, to fill me and root me in doubt and regret, or will this time I be able to say, nay, I might be contemplative and have always been prone to doubt but sadness and regret are not depression. I have seen depression.

Well now, the end of the week is here, and what a long week it has been. Many, so very many little folk have wandered though the door in search of a fine little book for their collection. But the system was not there, the system broke and now the week ahead is a disaster.

Treating onther people the way you want them to treat you is all well and noble, but there needs to be something more than that. A lot of it is about attracting attention, preferably by amusing them, or enticing them. There has to be something in the expanding the friendship group in the philosophy of life book.

Once again we go over the same arguments, once again, but I am not sure if we deepened the understanding of the other's opinions. All I can do is think about my position and always remember my actions must show that I understand your position.

Sometimes when overwhelmed by the weariness, sometimes it can be a bit confusing and bringing you into my mind, my overwhelmed mind, would not make sense. Particularly that stubborn repetition of not wanting to take the action I know I should take, but don't.

Watching the fine athletes doing something fantastic on the field and how magnificent they are, the commentator said magestic. It took a mood that was low and for a little moment thrilled by athletes doing what I could only hope.

New voices saying new things, it was the beat poets, or lkj, or, well, there is always a new way, a new voice. Thing is the old voice is not heard, the old voice is not exciting, enticing, certainly not the future, unless, maybe, the old voice in Leonard Cohen.

Today wasn't anything special, it wasn't a realisation, or a revolution, it was just another day of getting on with it, with the daily tasks. And at the end of the day here I sit mulling over the things that I am just getting on with. The things I am going to be getting on with and I will just get on with it.

Indeed, what a delight it was to chat again. Like I was drifting, lost, floating above the deepest waters of his words, surging up in intensity, lifted like the power of the wave, and cosy in the lulls between. A conversation that stopped time in its toing and froing, and when time started again as I put down my phone, I noticed nearly two hours had passed. Bliss.

A good conversation makes the dinner sit better, perhaps it is all in the mind in retrospect but perhaps it is in the physical - that when talking we stop eating, for a moment, anyway, so a good conversation allows the eating, which is better for digestion, surely.

Could it be that I ache for any movement and ache for sitting still or lying down. Could it be that one late night has crashed my body. Could it be that one energetic sports game a few days ago crashed my body. What could it be.

Silly sausage, too much sitting watching the Tele with the final day of all that brawn, muscle, brawn that is called rugby and the winners have won and the losers have put up a good show, a jolly good effort and Noddy badges all round.

Tired. It must be quite a thing to have a prolonged illness that forces the patient to reduce their activity to a lesser or greater degree. The point being prolonged must be dreadful, and perhaps I am dreading the inevitable effects of getting older as the flu lays me lower for longer than it used.

So, to sketch in black and a single colour I will choose a simple image so making it simpler does not compromise the representation. And the colour, usually red in my mind, is singular and stark, not tonal even if the slack is tonal.

The thing is about doing my thing and being myself but at the same time making sure that the myself I am projecting to the people about me and the people I meet is an entertaining, kind, person that gives them a positive glow when remembering me.

Sometimes life is nothing more than steps from one practical matter to the next. Steps, steps taken because they are the only thing to do. Sometimes there is not a fork in the road that needs to be considered. Just a step, then a step.

There is a strange leisurely joyfulness to be found in doing rather dull things together. After the anxiety ofnthenlack of sparkling conversation, the lack of conversation altogether, came.thw peacefulness of knowing this is just what it is. This was today.

Strangely, while painting the walls, the cupboard started questioning my intentions. No, I replied, I am not wanting to cover everything in white. No, we are not moving or selling, you will have us for some time yet. And no I do not need to buy smooth running drawers from Amazon. Mr Bazooka even has my cupboard on his sales team, I don't believe it.

The day started with great ambition, as should all days for if there is no ambition at the start how does the ambition fire up. The day, as a whole, has to be considered to have trundled by, all the parts were there but there was nothing exceptional about today.

So this is something that happens. I have an idea, and at that point there is nothing more exciting than the idea, I can take my time and aim for the idea, I can rush home and start the idea. Then I am doing it and at some point I lose the joy of the idea. I lose it suddenly and irrevocably. And for a while I can drag myself on with the protestant work ethic but without the joy of the idea. And then I stop.

Wobbling, perhaps even stumbling into this new year, without much of a plan other than an idea of trudging along hoping the bad is bottoming out and the good still has a fair way to climb. It is a balance, not so? It is always a balancing trick.

Seeing depression
When asked if I am depressed I have to think am I depressed, shall I let this wave of...

Busy busy crash
Well now, the end of the week is here, and what a long week it has been. Many, so...

Life book
Treating onther people the way you want them to treat you is all well and noble, but...

Positions
Once again we go over the same arguments, once again, but I am not sure if we deepened...

Overwhelmed
Sometimes when overwhelmed by the weariness, sometimes it can be a bit confusing and...

Total Demolition
Watching the fine athletes doing something fantastic on the field and how magnificent...

The Cohens
New voices saying new things, it was the beat poets, or lkj, or, well, there is always a...

Nothing special
Today wasn't anything special, it wasn't a realisation, or a revolution, it was...

Bliss
Indeed, what a delight it was to chat again. Like I was drifting, lost, floating...

Digestion digression
A good conversation makes the dinner sit better, perhaps it is all in the mind in...

Sausages
Silly sausage, too much sitting watching the Tele with the final day of all that brawn,...

Ache and pain
Could it be that I ache for any movement and ache for sitting still or lying down. ...