November 22

The wind blows the rain to the core, making the fool who went out without enough layers shiver and shake and say it was never this cold, the forecast did not predict what is now real. Why forecast if it is just a guess.

Another late night, moments and resolutions discarded and ignored, if only I were to have stuck to my plan I would be so much happier, but with a lightness I can say to myself this is just a hiccup. It is not about getting it right all the time, it is about trying again when I fail, so here's to trying again.

My, how time ... Hang on, that is not the point. Yes it was a good day working but it was not the sharpest, not the best, not a day that I would remember without a special note at the end, and I will leave it unremembered. But like many unremembered things it was fine.

Then there was the assumption I made, the decision was based on fluff, not taking the factors into contention, then, although there was nothing that I did, it was the nothing that caused the issue, the misunderstanding, the separation and, ultimately, the isolation.

Like for everything there is a season, perhaps for everyone there is a place, should we call it home? Not the place you go at the end of the day, but the place you feel comfortable, feel satisfied with your lot, the place from which you can strive to be better, if only more people could find there homes.

A clock goes tick tock but the sound of wasting time is tiktok. But taking the time to do something is so much harder than watching a half minute, of fifteen second burst of, mostly, nothing. There must be something out there.

Sometimes it is better to do half as much twice as often than to do twice as much half as often. Sometimes it is about the regular exercise being better than pushing it to the max. What do you think?

It can be amusing watching a stressed person try to complete a complex task, a complex and very long task. But it can be a little distressing to watch a person stress about completing a complex task, a complex and very long task. Depends on care.

And subtly, slowly, the story changes from one about the difficulties of maintaining a normal life with its struggles and efforts to that of a man planning to become a hero amongst look-the-other-way'ers. But we know it will be a struggle and we doubt it could possibly end well.

I wonder, sometimes, if I could possibly be wrong, perhaps, inside, somehow, the connections wired into my synapses are inconsistent, irregular, defective. I wonder why I don't seem to care for the things I know people care about, or how ti can't make my impulses understand what my philosophies believe

What can I learn from the many hours I have invested in this, what is the ruler I should hold to know if the time is valued. It is not an easy measurement, but then it never is. Even the measurements of time against food or shelter, or healthcare are difficult sums to add up.

And I thought, this is a great build up, this is going to be monstrously magnificent power orgasmic, super peak brilliance, but it dawdled, spluttered and misfired into a squib, a very damp squib. And I thought all the work had been done correctly, all the foreplay administered, all the preparations prepared, and if it will be so dull, why bother?

What a little moment of excitement, a drawing purchased for more than before, I asked for an offer and they offered more than I expected. Not as much as proper artists, mind, but still more than before. What a little frisson, what a thrill, I am over it.

I always felt like this is where I belong, she said, and in some ways she is talking about the other side of my story, but my story is that where I felt I belonged but, then as it goes, I no longer belong there, I float, anchorless, but, for the time being, at least I still have a rudder, tiny as it is, it is mine.

Then come the moments when sadness seems to truly be nothing more than a chemical balance. There seems to be no external change from one moment to the next yet suddenly I feel the weight of this dreadful life, the horror of which I had managed to ignore for a while. Oh dear.

Sometimes the unexpected happens, I guess that is what the gambling industry relies on. Sometimes it is just a good thing to nod and say, yeah, that was not what I was expecting. And now this was not either, but at least it is not one of those naked panic nightmares, at least it is just chill.

To be noticed, to be noticed and thought on, thought provoking, thoughts leading to another, in this relentless thrust of time, rushing to live beyond our death, but what do the birds think, after all their ancestors were dinosaurs. Seriously, what do birds think?

Little notes may be a way to practice, to sharpen my metaphor, to find phrases and turns that might be useful, but if the little notes lead to nothing more, if there are no bigger notes, or if I have nothing to say in my bigger notes then, well, what is it all about.

How time flies when you're eating cookies, beautiful, delicious cookies, just the thing for celebrating a birthday, or another special occasion like Sunday, or Tuesday. Tuesday, there is nothing quite as good as celebrating today, especially when you anticipated the celebration yesterday.

Waiting for a change, waiting for a miracle. It is I that must change, it is I that must show the words, they do not have the meaning that will change the world, they are not a miracle, they are, like the toad said, a diversion. Or was it a frog, I forget, all I know is something different is needed and it is up to me, who else is there?

Don't you find that time travels so swiftly when you are deepening thought, perhaps working out a new idea for some drawings, or a new set of sketches that would fit into a story and by time going quickly I mean walking further than you thought you have walked and you realise you missed your turning.

The thing about books is they are a sign, the reader can be decoded by understanding the book they are reading, or, rather, understaning the cover of the book they are reading, by understaning general trends in current and past book cover design.

There is no reason why they shouldn't continue to operate in the way it has in the past, there is no reason, really, for change, no change is needed and even if a change was needed the change may not be possible. But if this is true is it a bad thing or a good thing. Goddamn things

If she asks tell her I gave you ice-cream, sometimes it can all be a little confusing when trying to make sure other people hear what exactly it is that I feel, sometimes, most times, I just need to figure out the best way to say it, so I practice and prepare but nonetheless get it wrong.